Does 'Yes means Yes' Fix the Problem?

California is the first state to sign into legislation a bill that requires colleges to assess for affirmative consent when reviewing allegations of sexual assault. The bill has been hotly contested as gender biased. Opponents feel the bill targets men and that instances of regretted sex may end up as rape convictions. The bill's language is actually gender neutral. False reporting of rape is relatively rare and is consistent with  false reporting for other crimes (and may result in charges against the person who knowingly and willfully falsely reported.)


Too often we have seen campus judiciary committees insufficiently trained to handle sexual assault allegations; in these cases the complainant feels the judicial process itself re-traumatizes and victimizes them.  The highly publicized mishandling of a sexual assault case at Hobart and William Smith Colleges all too poignantly illustrates that our campus judiciary process is ill equipped to effectively decide these cases. Rape cases are notoriously difficult to adjudicate in the criminal justice system, where professionals, both prosecutors and defense attorneys are presenting the evidence; campuses simply don't have the experience to confidently and sensitively handle these unique cases... and too much is on the line for both the alleged assailant and the alleged victim to leave this to chance. 


While this bill attempts to provide a higher standard of consent by which colleges can adjudicate these cases (and hopefully also sparks even more education about consent to prevent such situations from occurring), perhaps the real question is, "Do  colleges have the knowledge and experience to review and adjudicate sexual assault cases?" And if the answer is not a resounding yes, then how should we address that?

Paws for Peace

Assemblyman Tedisco and his pooch Gracie with Dr. Joy Lucas

When I talk about Wellspring's victim-assistance programs people are always surprised when I mention the Safe Pet Partnership... "Whoa, pets? How does that fit with domestic violence?" Sadly, there's a big correlation. Abusers will use our love for our family pets as a tool of coercion. According  to the American Humane Society, 71% of domestic violence victims entering shelters reported their abuser had maimed, killed or threatened family pets for revenge or to psychologically control them. Some victims stay trapped in abuse because they fear their pet would be harmed if they left. Conversely the Humane Society states, "Investigation of animal abuse is often the first point of social services intervention for a family in trouble."

At Wellspring we 're committed to helping all victims of domestic violence. That's why we have a Safe Pet Partnership that provides temporary foster placement in loving homes for pets while their families find safe housing...after which they're all reunited So join us on October 11th us raising awareness  keep our furry, feathered, and finned   family members safe from abuse.

Wellspring. Why? What's Next?

I've spent al lot of time recently speaking with local TV news, radio and print reporters about DVRC changing its name to Wellspring. These are the folks who cover the news stories so they're well aware of the prevalence of domestic violence and have seen the most tragic consequences. That's why our conversations turned from simply reporting about the name change to more in-depth discussions of the issue and what we can do to stop the violence.

You can see the clip here. with Mark Mulholland.

You can see the clip from  here with Look TV with Jesse Jackson.

What's New?...Wellspring

It's Good Newsday Tuesday

In my mind's eye, I see the future... our future. I know that the future I envision isn't far away because the buildings, the people and the places all look familiar. But there's one big difference. No one lives in fear at home because of abuse. Fear of being raped doesn't linger as a haunting spectre when walking home after work or on a date.  Why not? Because we've eliminated relationship and sexual violence in Saratoga County.

We're not there now. Domestic violence is the #2 violent crime in the county and one of the top 2 causes of homicide. The number of sexual assault victims seeking assistance increases each year. But that's today. If I look really hard I see a different picture.

More than 30 years ago the agency I work for began as a small group of community members helping women who were abused. As they volunteered their services it quickly became clear the problem of domestic violence was bigger than anyone realized. Until they took action, no one knew the magnitude.

We know the number now... and we've met tens of thousands of survivors,  heard their stories and helped them through and beyond the crisis. Now it's time to take our work to the next level. We've got to turn our efforts to getting ahead of the problem...  holding offenders accountable...preventing abuse  before it happens... until it simply doesn't happen any more.

We'll always be there  to provide crisis and support services to help victims be safe, heal and seek justice. But we've got to ask the bigger question, "How do we keep abuse from happening." The question isn't," .Why does (s)he stay?"...it's "Why does a person choose to abuse.... and what can we do to stop this?"

At DVRC we're committed to the vision of achieving a

Saratoga County free of relationship and sexual abuse.

At a press conference today we invited key community leaders to join us in working toward that vision, through:

• increased awareness and prevention efforts
• earlier intervention
• working for social change.

We're serious about this vision. We're serious about supporting healthy relationships and creating safe communities. In fact we're so serious, we've changed our agency name. So as of today , DVRC is now Wellspring. The name resonates with hope with potential and a vision for the future. Help us achieve this vision; there's a role for you in it. Look ahead... do you see the future I see?... it's just up the road.

Stay Blessed

Between Labor Day and Columbus day there's a holiday that doesn't get enough recognition, World Gratitude Day. It's September 21st and it's been recognized worldwide since 1965. So take a minute today to give thanks for what you've got. Just last week my coworkers were all talking about gratitude. One of them starts each day counting all her blessings on her fingers before she even gets our of bed (and the two pups snuggled beside her in the bed are always in the count). What a great way to start the day. Another said that she started consciously practicing gratitude during a particularly difficult period in her life as she was caring for a loved one... gratitude helped her through her grief. Clearly, I work with some very wise folks. They don't reserve just one day a year for gratitude, but practice it every day.


If you need more inspiration, watch this experiment about how gratitude affects happiness. You'll see them laugh, cry, fidget and squirm...  and you'll find it's never too late to express gratitude.


And to all the regular readers of this blog, thanks for joining with me to think about what we can do to shine our lights a little brighter in this world.

THANK YOU!

It's On Us... All of Us

Domestic violence and sexual assault have long been hidden epidemics. Not so much anymore. In recent months both issues have come out of the shadows, and are getting major attention on campuses, in boardrooms, and by our government. They're talked about around the dinner table, at the water cooler, and during the pregame commentary.

And all that talk is making a difference. Today the White House launched It's On Us, an awareness campaign to end campus sexual assaults. In Denver Vice President Biden also held a roundtable discussion about domestic violence.   "It’s on all of us to change the culture that asks the wrong questions, and our culture still asks the wrong questions." That's right, we've got to stop asking questions like , "Why do they stay?" and "What did she do to lead him on?" or "Why didn't  (s)he report it to the police?" Instead let's ask why they choose to abuse. But we can't stop with asking questions.


The It's On Us video states "It's on us to stand up, to step in to take responsibility...to stop sexual assault" and they provide tools to get you started.

Shatter the Silence

I'm always amazed by the power of one. One person speaking up. One person telling their story and making us think. One person choosing to do something. It can make such a difference.


I'll admit I'm not always the one. I've sometimes left a situation wishing I'd said something or had offered help. Why don't I? Sometimes I couldn't think quickly enough of what to say or do. Sometimes I questioned whether my actions would be helpful. And sometimes I just lacked the courage. And after I felt disappointed in myself and thought about what I could so better next time.


Taking action takes forethought and practice... and a really compelling reason that motivates us  to action. Ready to make the change? The Shatter the Silence PSA will  inspire you. And if you want the backstory on how this all got started, Sharon Love tells about how she turned tragedy into a vision to recognize domestic violence and stop it.

What's Worse than a Black Eye

The whole country is talking about it: football fans and feminists, sportscasters and sponsors, politicians and parents. It's domestic violence. A 3½ minute video has brought domestic violence out of the shadows and made it a topic of conversation for weeks.

Not since another famous athlete, OJ Simpson, was linked to a tragic domestic violence incident has the issue received so much attention. Those conversations are increasing awareness and are the catalyst for much needed social change. Citizens from all walks of life are denouncing abuse, calling for more responsive laws and practices, raising questions and searching for answers. National hotlines are reporting more calls from people who need help.

What we saw in that video has changed us, made us notice, made us care, and in some ways helped us to understand. But there’s one thing that really troubles me. We took notice because he punched her in the face; we were shocked at the brutality of the physical assault. That video reinforces the belief that domestic violence involves physical abuse. Sometimes it does, but not always. We’ve seen that physical abuse can be brutal. But when we speak with survivors of domestic violence they often tell us that the most damaging abuse wasn’t physical, it was the psychological control, the isolation, the threats and intimidation. It was continually feeling like they were walking on eggshells. That's abuse too... but much harder to see. 

It’s not uncommon for someone to call our hotline and apologetically say, “I’m not sure if I should be calling you; I’ve never been hit.” And then they describe why they called and clearly they are experiencing abuse. It may be emotional or psychological abuse, or financial/economic control. Their partner may be isolating them from friends or family. Or sexually violating them.

But in the absence of physical abuse, they question if it’s domestic violence…. and they’re not sure if it’s OK to call for help. That’s a concern. While we’re having those conversations about domestic violence, let’s also talk about abusive behaviors above and beyond physical violence. The message is coming through loud and clear that physically assaulting a partner is unacceptable. Let’s not stop the discussion there. Let’s talk about other forms of power and control too.  

If you or someone you know may be experiencing abuse,

call our 24 hour hotline at 518-584-8188.

We can help.

All services are free and confidential.

Someone Like You

 

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better.  It's not.

 ~Dr. Seuss

  On Wednesday night I attended a meeting with business leaders from all over Saratoga County. Because I was flanked by two of Saratoga’s the most energetic, articulate and caring women Mayor Yepsen and Gayle LaSalle, the conversation  bounced from heart wrenching issues to daily challenges (opportunities) to uproariously humorous  stories about our daily lives. When Mayor Yepsen mentioned the 9/11 memorial scheduled for the following morning, we all were brought back to that morning and told our stories of 9/11. Two people had been just blocks away and immediately began volunteering; they selflessly put their own emotions on the shelf so they could help others. One woman recounted how she was at a hospital helping right afterwards and it wasn't until she was safely home and collapsed shaking in her husband's arms that she allowed herself to grieve. We all remarked on how whenever tragedy or evil strike, people rally to help.

That conversation quickly led to a discussion of Code Blue. After the tragic death last December of a 52 year old homeless woman who froze to death on a loading dock one night, the people of our community rallied together to find a solution to help our most vulnerable citizens in one of the coldest winters on record. Mayor Yepsen, community agencies, faith groups and concerned Saratogians created Code Blue.  With unplanned echoes of an equally symbolic winter’s night the doors to Code Blue opened on Christmas Eve so homeless men and women could escape the cold, share a meal and sleep safely in peace. With a week’s planning, no funding, no paid staff, people who cared launched Code Blue providing 928 restful slumbers in a safe bed rather than a frigid sidewalk.

And that brings me to where every conversation I have lately seems to go… the Ray Rice incident. Father Paul from St. Clements Church is a passionate Ravens fan. I’ve heard there are sermons interwoven with commentary about yesterday’s game. He’s not in the pulpit today, but his most recent facebook post teaches us so much about Christian values, human values and how we all can show we care.

As a diehard Ravens fan I will not be watching or following in any way tonight’s Steelers/Ravens game, but will be making a donation to Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Services of Saratoga County. There is no room in our world for violence in any way, shape or form.

Father Paul

Thank you Father Paul for reminding us how to transcend. And blessings to all the people who see what’s wrong in the world and take action to help others.

We're Asking the Wrong Question

It had to happen. The focus changed from Ray Rice's assault to questions about why Janay stays (and even married him soon thereafter). This morning NPR News hosted a thoughtful discussion about why victims stay.


It's the most asked question in our industry, "Why do they stay?" It's as if we think that we can end relationship violence if victims would only leave. That premise ignores the reality that abusers will just move on to another partner and abuse... or  will continue to abuse their current partner even after they've left the abuse. We think that walking away frees the victim. Not necessarily. Sometimes staying in the relationship makes them feel safer because they can see when the abuse is escalating and take action to reduce risk. Out of the relationship they'd be continually on alert as the abuser has made it clear that leaving and living are not options. Sometimes the abuse victim doesn't have the option of walking away from the relationship and closing the door on the abuse. If there are children in common, there may be court ordered visitation agreements. The person they are leaving may be an abuser, but also answers to 'Daddy'  or 'Mommy'. Every child swap is a chance to replay the abusive power and control dynamic. Will the abuser even show up for the kids on time. Will (s)he stage a huge fight? Say vile things about me in front of the kids? Not return the kids and leave me terrified that some terrible feared fate has befallen them to punish me for leaving?


And let's talk about love. This is the person you've chosen to spend you life  with...maybe have a family with. Often abuse survivors don't want the relationship to end... they just want the abuse to end. And after an incident, the next morning there's often remorse, apologies and promises to make things different. Weeks ago Ray Rice stood before all of us and talked about making the biggest mistake of his life. He apologized, professed a sincere desire to  change...promised to be a better man. How many of us listened to him and cautiously entertained, if not forgiveness, a willingness to see what he did next and earn back our trust? We looked into his eyes and saw an imperfect human...and did not turn our backs. You might say- we stayed- tentatively, cautiously, hopefully. And we don't love Ray Rice. We haven't committed our heart and life to this man... raised a child with him.


Who are we to question why someone stays? The social media world is full of  people telling their reasons, trying to help us understand. 
Domestic violence is complicated. There's no perfect map or flow chart to navigate these difficult decisions. Daily DVRC's advocates hear so many reasons why someone chooses to stay.  These are often thoughtful, heart wrenching  choices to ponder. I could write volumes on the complexity of this decision, but  I believe social media may have provided some insight in just 68 characters:




#Why I stayed  So my children could have a father
#Why I left       So my children could have a mother


There were probably many incidents and many changes of heart between those two tweets. Does focusing on why they stay solve the problem? I think  our energies are better spent on preventing abuse from happening.




Related posts:
http://maggiefronk.blogspot.com/2013/07/leslie-morgan-steiner-answers-questions.html