I planted my garden about 10 days ago. While everyone else
is complaining miserably about the rain, I’m a little excited (especially when
it rains during the week not on the weekend) as I’m sure that with the moisture
all my seeds have germinated and probably new shoots are pushing up through the
soil right now. Gardening from seeds
takes patience and trust to give the sun time to warm the soil, the seedling
time to take root and simply time to grow. While I don’t like the wait, over the years I’ve
come to appreciate the process and accept that I can’t always control the
outcome. Like last year’s abundant squash patch that seemingly overnight was
decimated by powdery mildew.
Sometimes these small scale dramas in the garden, remind me
of the much more significant struggles people face when someone they love is experiencing
domestic violence. Often the victim of abuse doesn’t recognize the behaviors
his/her partner’s actions as abusive… especially we when the abuse isn’t
physical. Sometimes just talking to your
loved one and letting them know you’re concerned is like planting that seed. They
may seem to totally ignore your words, but like the week of straight rain we
just endured that helps my seeds germinate, under the right conditions your
words may begin to root.
The decision to seek support is rarely immediate. Here are
some of the reasons people give for not seeking help:
·
“It’s not
that bad.” Often this is followed by words like, “It’s rarely physical” or “It’s
nothing like I’ve seen in the movies” or “He/she always apologizes and says it won’t happen again.”
·
“It’s not
a crisis, I don’t need to call a hotline.”
·
“I wouldn’t
feel right calling a place like Wellspring. Other people need their help so
much more than I do.”
·
“I really
don’t see any way out.” Or “I’m not ready to make a change yet. I’ll call them
when that time comes.”
·
It’s not
that I’m afraid of my partner; I just have to do a better job not aggravating
him/her.”
·
“They help
domestic violence victims… I’m not a victim.” Often the person will explain, that
they’re occasionally abusive too, e.g., “Sometimes I yell or call him/her awful
names… and I’ve hit back so I’m just as guilty of abuse.”
If you’ve heard any of these statements, here’s what I’d
like you to know, so you have the words to help your friend:
You don’t need to be in a crisis. You don’t need to be in
danger or living in fear. You don’t need to wait in until a crisis where you
don’t have anywhere else to turn before you call us… in fact, at Wellspring, we
hope that calling us sooner may mean you never experience that crisis. We so
often hear survivors saying, “I used to always feel like I was walking on eggshells
at home.” Yes, they kept the abuse from escalating… by continually living in a
state of hyper-vigilance. Our agency is a place where you can talk about these
feelings. We can help you create a safety plan, but we can also be a safe place
where you give voice to those feelings you don’t speak out loud… maybe not even
to yourself. Our services are free and confidential… and they’re for everyone. There’s
no income eligibly guidelines for our services.
You don’t need to be preparing to leave to seek our
services. In fact, we have many survivors who remain in the relationship. They come
to us to understand how to increase their safety, to know what their legal
rights/ options/resources are if needed, or to build their economic stability
or support systems so even if they’re remaining in the relationship they’re not
doing so because they feel trapped. Many people understand that we offer a
hotline and shelter, but they’re unaware of the other services we offer: financial
literacy training to support economic stability, rent subsidized housing, legal
advocacy, 911 phones, and assistance with accessing employment, childcare,
housing, transportation, or other basic needs. Because it takes time to be on
solid ground financially after leaving abuse, supports like our food pantry, personal
care items, Backpacks of Hope (school supplies to start the new year) and New
Beginnings Baskets (filled with necessary household items) can help survivors
make a fresh start or support them until they finally feel stable and secure.
Survivors may judge their own reactions, verbal or physical
as indicators that they too are abusive. Some relationships are indeed mutually
abusive. But in domestic violence there is an underlying power and control dynamic.
Does that mean the victim is always cowering, helplessly… no. Survivors may, in
defense, frustration or anger, lash out sometimes. To determine if domestic violence
exists one needs to ask is there an ongoing pattern of control, either through emotional,
psychological, physical, or financial abuse, or social isolation. It’s the
pattern of power and control… not necessarily an isolated behavior.
So if the examples
above sound like behaviors you recognize in the relationship, call us. If you weren’t sure how to talk to someone you love
about domestic violence, hopefully this information will help you start the
conversation. Sometimes hearing someone
say, “I care and I’m worried” plants a seed that in time leads to a future
without fear. If you’re not sure how to talk to someone about relationship
abuse, call us --we can help you understand, know about resources and start the
conversation.
If you or someone you know has experienced relationship or sexual abuse, call us.
Office 518.583.0280
24/7 hotline 518.584.8188
