I've been remiss in my blogging lately, but still spend a lot of time talking about issues of relationship and sexual abuse. The other day I was having a conversation with my staff about being bombarded with media depictions of abuse tends to normalize it so we don't even recognize these red flags. To me that's one of our greatest obstacles in ending abuse... recognizing it early. Here's her response.
This weekend and last weekend Saratoga Springs High School
and Ballston Spa High School staged the fun-filled musical Footloose. In Saratoga Springs there were sell out
crowds and it was clear that the audience of young and old alike were having a
wonderful time. Audience members tapped
their toes and laughed at the great renditions of colorful characters. They also cried along with Pastor Moore as
he mourned the loss of his young teenage
son in a drunk driving accident. We
watched as he struggled to find his way and allow life to go on in some
semblance for him and his parishioners and especially the teenagers in town who
just want to DANCE!!
Footloose also highlights the very real social problem of
relationship abuse among teens. The
preacher’s daughter (Ariel) in an effort to capture her mourning father’s
attention dates the young ruffian in town, Chuck Cranston. Although Chuck is caricatured as a high
school drop out, motorcycle riding, leather jacket wearing bad boy. It is clear
to those of us who work with domestic violence victims every day that his
treatment of Ariel is abusive. He yells at her, intimidates her and expects her
to OBEY his wishes. He ultimately ends
up giving her a black eye when she puts up a fight against his orders. In one scene it is evident how scared Ariel
is of him. How she “handles” him by appeasing him and agreeing with him in
order to keep him calm and most importantly keep herself safe.
As I sat there and watched the show I wondered what the high
school students thought about Chuck and Ariel’s relationship. I guessed that if asked, the girls would
respond that Chuck was a “jerk” “loser” and would most fervently deny that they
would ever date anyone like him. However
often in abusive relationships it is easy to get in (often they begin as
romantic and very nice) and not that
easy to get out. Ariel was fortunate in
this fictional tale that she had a stage full of characters that were willing
to take Chuck on and dance him off the stage for good! In real life it is much more difficult to
navigate controlling relationships. When
a woman or man is in this kind of relationship it can be difficult to see it
for what it is and the goal becomes to get through the day and keep yourself
safe.
If you think a friend of family member may be in this kind
of relationship, there are ways to be helpful.
The first is to know that you cannot make the person end the
relationship if they are not ready. Be
supportive and listen when they are ready to talk. Do tell them that our agency is here and
ready to listen. We understand why
leaving can be so difficult. We will
safety plan and will support them in whatever plan they want to pursue. Our services are free of charge and completely
confidential.
Congratulations to the wonderfully talented casts of
Footloose and thank you for portraying so many serious issues with such
sensitivity. Bravo!
Yesterday I spent the day in the yard, raking leaves, picking up sticks and delightedly basking in the beautiful warm sunshine. On that first perfect day of spring each year, I remember a gift a former client gave me almost a decade ago. It wasn't a gift in a package it was a gift of understanding. At DVRC we hear enough people telling us what it was like to feel trapped in an abusive relationship that we can understand what abuse feels like. But this woman helped me to understand what it feels like when the abuse ends. Her imagery was so powerful that I think of her words each spring. Here's what she told me.
Soroptimist is an international organization whose mission is to improve the lives of women and girls through programs leading to social and economic empowerment. We have a formal club meeting monthly, but our real work happens behind the scenes building better lives for women and girls both locally, and in places like Haiti, Ecuador, and Africa. Our meeting Wednesday night was my favorite meeting of the year. It's the night we honor local women for their commitment to others and we announce the projects we'll be supporting in the next year. 
Yesterday a snowstorm postponed the Saratoga's National Dance Museum's One Billion Rising event... but nothing can stop the movement to end global violence against women.Sometimes it seems like we aren't making progress, but in fact in just 30 years we've come from a place where in the US domestic violence was seen as just a lover's spat to a community that recognizes this as a crime an invests in prevention activities so our children and grandchildren may never know what it's like to live in fear at home. 