Sometimes Raising Your Voice is the Right Thing to Do

Sometimes public outrage makes us take a second look at things. A few days ago I wrote about a statutory rape case in which a teacher was sentenced to a mere 30 days for having sex with a 14 year old student, who later committed suicide. The judge imposed such a minimal sentence because he opined the child was "older than her chronological years" and "was as much in control of the situation" as the teacher who raped her.

Protesters brought the issue to national attention, calling for the judge's resignation. Well, according to the Huffington Post that sentence is being appealed as it does not meet the state's minimum mandatory sentencing for this crime.

This is not the first time that protesters have challenged  a judge's sentence that minimized the actions of a rapist by blaming the victim. In 1997, women in the Italian Parliament rallied in outrage when a judge blamed a teenager who was raped by her driving instructor for the assault because she was wearing tight jeans. That incident launched Denim Day, an international day of recognition about sexual violence and a call to action.

Molly... don't invite her to the party

New York City's mayor canceled the final day of the Electric Zoo concert as two concert goers died and four others ended up in intensive care...all due to overdoses of  MDMA, also known as, Ecstasy or Molly. This isn't a new drug; it was originally synthesized for medical purposes in the early 1900's but the 1970's drug culture launched the recreational use of MDMA  to achieve altered states of consciousness. The club scene in the 1980-90's resurrected the drug's  popularity under the name Ecstasy.   

And  where and how Molly is used  contribute to the drug's dangerousness. The signs of impending overdose include hyperthermia (excessive overheating), inability to sweat, and confusion; combined with the euphoria, loss of inhibition,  and altered state of consciousness the user loses the ability to monitor his/her level of functioning. The drug is often used in large crowded rooms such as dance clubs; these conditions exacerbate the overheating and dehydration that can lead to potentially fatal hyperthermia. Even after the drug has worn off, Molly still poses a risk. Days after using Molly, the individual may experience low moods or depression. 

With a new name, Molly use is once again rising ; popular music includes references to the drug. Throughout the decades, whenever MDMA resurfaces, there are reports of young people dying (sometimes the first and only time they've used the drug.) This is one dangerous fad... and it's risks should be taken seriously. Just ask NYC.

The Right to Be Miley Cyrus

The press seems over deluged with stories of stars and starlets behaving really badly. The past couple of weeks seem overrun with gals going out in public dressed like Fredericks of Hollywood models. Rihanna's barely there plunging necklines and open sided outfits often leave me wondering how they stay on in a light breeze. Lady Gaga went to dinner in a shockingly see through outfit that exposed her bare butt; I'm not sure what kind of dining warrants a dressed up thong.  But Miley Cyrus's MTV performance topped it all with not only revealing fashion, but a 'dance routine' that was tasteless and near pornographic.

These are all talented women, but instead of promoting their hard earned musical skills they're flaunting their assets (pun intended). I was tiring of reading stories about promiscuity and even more concerned that these women are our young peoples' role models, when I ran across a news article that put all this silliness into perspective. In North Korea Hyon Song Wol and 11 members of the Unhasu Orchestra were executed by machine gun fire as their families were forced to watch. Why? For allegedly making and selling a sex tape. While there are possibly political reasons underlying the execution, the fact is that creating pornography was reason enough for the government to assassinate these 12 performers.

That story quickly reminded me of the freedoms we have in America and what stark differences there are in our treatment of women as compared to many countries. Violence against women worldwide is epidemic, and in some countries punishment for unacceptable behaviors like talking back to your husband or being seen without a head cover are cruel and torturous. In fact according to UN Women it's a major cause of death and disability; rape and domestic violence are more dangerous than cancer, motor vehicle accidents, war and malaria.

So while I may find Miley's performance vulgar, perhaps racist and decidedly entertaining, it's good to live on a country where the only backlash is bad press. Many women sacrificed much  so we'd have the rights we do... how we use  those freedoms is up to us.

Setting us Back 30 Years

Historically in  rape cases the tactic of blaming the victim (she was promiscuous, wore tight clothing, was intoxicated, shouldn't have been there) was used to rationalize the reason for the rape and absolve the offender of accountability. After all, if the victim doesn't have a stellar reputation it's OK and understandable to rape her, right? 

Well it seemed we were making strides in this area. In the Steubenville rape case, teenagers who were  high school football heroes were found guilty of rape of an intoxicated girl.  The US armed forces are under scrutiny for failure to adequately respond to sexual assaults. So just when you think things are improving, a Montana judge  proves you wrong. Judge G Todd Baugh gave minimal jail time of just 30 days to a middle aged teacher  who had sex with a 14 year old student. Why only 30 days? Because the victim, whom the judge had never met,  "acted older than her chronological age...and was as much in control of the situation" as the offender. 

A child, not even old enough to drive,  was on a level playing filed with her middle aged teacher? She was legally not of age to consent to sex. And he was a trusted authority figure. Perhaps the most tragic evidence that she was not in control of this situation is that the victim committed suicide as the case progressed.  

While Judge Baugh apologized for his insensitive words he defends his sentencing. He  has been on the bench almost 30 years. While our society has become less tolerant of sexual violence in those 30 years, it's clear he's still living in the past. 

How devastating for the girl's parents. First they find she was raped by a teacher. Then they lose their daughter to suicide. And now a judge trivializes the sexual assault, placing the blame on their deceased daughter instead of the adult male who knowingly violated a 14 year old child. Our society is better than this judge's decision. The parents of this girl deserve better from our criminal justice system.

The Friend Zone... redefined

Life is filled with opportunities to make a difference. Some are public and life transforming, like Antoinette Tuff's heroic conversation that deescalated a would-be shooter in a Georgia school. Other opportunities are nestled quietly in our daily lives, the way we think, interact, and voice our values.

Here's a video of an amazing guy, talking about women, sex, and what it means to be a friend. He challenges us to take a hard look at our social values and how they contribute to sexual violence. We all fear the masked stranger in the bushes, but most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows. Or in Dylan Garrity's words, "The stranger in the alley is real, but not as real as we are." As  He's redefining the Friend Zone...and what it means to be a friend.

Watch this video. It's funny, edgy, and powerfully insightful. Dylan Garrity is a  stand up guy and a role model for what it means to be a man.

Warning, mature content...but the message at the end of the video is priceless.

Everlasting Love... Step by Step

What  do you do when  your happily ever after ends in divorce after 16 years together? Do you replay over and over the coulda. woulda, and shoulda scenarios...and to what end? For Gerald Rogers that introspection evolved into a touching letter about how to truly love someone. These lessons learned the hard way, are a reminder that love grows when we nurture it. It's great advice for newlyweds, but also a wonderful reminder to anyone in a relationship.

Gerald Rogers' words of wisdom are heartfelt and touching. Number 20 pretty much sums it up, but the nineteen preceding tips provide the step by step manual. It's written for guys, but applies equally to both genders. If everyone followed this sage advice, we wouldn't need agencies like DVRC. Thank you Gerald Rogers for this eloquent advice.

Talk About This on the Drive to College

I remember my parents driving me to my freshman year of college. Their rust colored  Fairmont was packed with everything I'd need from August to May. Dorm fridge, bike, Apple IIe computer with dot matrix printer (no compact laptops or tablets- it was about the size of the dorm fridge), 5 pound dictionary, shorts and tank tops, winter boots and coats...everything! I barely fit in the back seat.I had 8 hours on the ride to D.C. to ponder what college would be like, and if I'd ever be able to stand straight again after being contorted around all my belongings for so long. We sang along with 8-track tapes of the Carpenters and Barry Manilow, talked about what I may have forgotten  and whether I'd be able to resume my waitress job at Hoffman's Restaurant when I returned in the summer (I'd been there two years and that job was paying for college). We talked about the exciting changes and the importance of doing my very best, but we didn't talk about:

• how scary this big change was for me... and for my parents as their only child moved so far away
• my cat. She was a gorgeous grey Persian who had been my constant  companion since I was 8 years old...and she was decidedly a one person  cat. I wondered how I'd survive without my closet companion and my mom wondered how she'd even get Missy to come to her to be fed (but cats are practical, they'll tolerate you if you're the only one who can use the can opener), and 
• sexual assault.

One in four college women are sexually assaulted during their college years. About 1/3 are freshmen. In fact the period from orientation to Thanksgiving is the Red Zone on campuses.Talk to your daughter or son about sexual assault. Talk to him/her about the correlation between alcohol use and sexual assault. And talk about what the options and resources are after an assault. It's a difficult topic, but open those lines of communication now. Here's what you need to know to have that talk.

Related posts:
Whatyou need to know after a sexual assault
http://maggiefronk.blogspot.com/2013/04/sole-survivor.html

Sexual assualt facts
http://maggiefronk.blogspot.com/2012/04/sexual-assault-its-not-very-common-is.html

Two Local Kids Died in Two Weeks... and You 'd Never Imagine Why

The article calls it Suburbia's Deadly Secret. This happened just 15 miles and four turns off I-87, in a suburban community in Rensselaer County. As the writer describes the landscaped flower beds, local stores and backyards with pools where neighbors socialize, this could be almost any community in Saratoga County. You know these kids too, or a kid who looks just like them. The 23 year old who died in July, staggered into a Stewart’s Shop as locals were having their morning coffee.  Just a couple of years before, he  played sports, was a Boy Scout and an "All American kid.' The mom of 2 other kids says, " “My kids were each the average child. They played baseball, my daughter did bowling, we went on family vacations. I went to all the school meetings like parents do.” Sound familiar?

So what is the one threat you'd never imagine would be creeping into our local suburban communities and threatening our teens and young adults- it’s  HEROIN. On her talk show Katie Couric said that “thirty-four thousand kids between the ages of 12 and 17 will start using heroin this year. Over the last 10 years, teen heroin use has increased 80 percent from coast to coast.” Rensselaer County District Attorney Rich McNally says, “ You’ve got to be aware of the change in the culture, the availability of things kids get high on. It’s everywhere, and you’ve got to know about it.” 

Really?! What’s going on here? Teens are increasingly experimenting with OTC and prescription drugs (heck, the Internet has plenty of articles offering advice on how to get high with what’s in mom and dad’s medicine cabinet.) When that thrill fades, snorting heroin is a cheap next step. And it seems heroin is no longer only in the realm of the inner city, drug culture… it’s moving to the burbs.

What’s the take away for parents?  Even good kids can get mixed up in things beyond their control. Our increasingly mobile society is breaking down barriers quicker than ever seen before. You are the biggest influence in your kid’s life; talk to them about drugs and keep those lines of communications open. This is one fad we don’t want to see gaining momentum. 

Back to School 101- Bullying

Bullying. It's a big issue. 74% of 8-11 year olds say bullying happens in their schools. It's in the news all the time...from the positive (e.g., the Dignity for All Students Act and  the 'Be an Ally' campaigns to encourage us all to stand up and speak up) to the negative (e.g, girl on girl bullying and cyberbullying.)

What do you need to know?

• How can you tell is your child is affected by bullying? Here's an article that covers all you need to look for, 14 Signs that Your Child is Bullied or Being  a Bully.  
• This is a normal part of growing up... like all stages, this too will pass, right? Nor really. Studies show that the behavior patterns we learn as children tend to 'grow up' with us as we assume more adult relationships. So for both victims and kids with bullying behaviors, there's a greater incidence of dating violence, relationship abuse and sexual violence later in life. 
• Bullying behaviors may be a gateway to criminal behavior? Wow...that's a reason to take it seriously.  According to the aforementioned 14 signs  article, Some consider adolescent bullying a “gateway” criminal behavior. According to the National Education Association’s position statement on Bullying and Harassment, “Boys identified as bullies in grades six through nine had one criminal conviction by age 24. Forty percent of those identified had three or more arrests by age 30. Bullies are at even greater risk of suicide than their targets. Bullies often grow up to perpetuate family violence.” 

What can you do?

The National Crime Prevention Council has these tips for parents if their child is bullied or is showing bullying behaviors.

23 + 22 = 121 That's Right!

Before anyone questions my second grade teacher's abilities, I rocked at math. So what's with the unbalanced equation? We're just  missing some words . Let's try this:

23 business women + 22 minutes= 121 backpacks

That makes more sense.

Today, 23 women from the Chamber of Southern Saratoga County's Women in Business (WIB) Committee  collected  supplies to fill 121 Backpacks of Hope to assist families receiving support  from Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Services of Saratoga County.
 
 

 


"The Chamber of Southern Saratoga County Women in Business Committee strives to help women both professionally and personally. Supporting DVRC with both Baskets of Hope and Backpacks of Hope every year has been a great partnership – a way we can leverage our connections in the community to gather and provide items DVRC clients so greatly need - and a way we as women feel good about supporting each other. It has also been a fantastic way to bring much needed awareness to this important issue." Wendy Wilms of Cengage Learning and Chair of the WIB.

When  domestic violence  survivors leave the abusive home, they often struggle just trying to provide for their families' basic needs (rent, food, health care.) September can bring overwhelming financial demands as they need to purchase school supplies for one or several children. That's why the WIB has sponsored the Backpacks of Hope project for several years, collecting school supplies  to be distributed by DVRC so that families can focus on what important... building a new life so their children can live in a home without fear and violence.

 

 

"Imagine the trauma of leaving an abusive home with none of your personal items as well as no money and your child needs back to school supplies. With the help of many who gather supplies, giving back to the communities that they live and work in, these children get to go to school with a backpack full of supplies, being able  to just be a kid, without feeling different!" Mary E. Stokes, Stokes Wealth Solutions and WIB member


 
This year, the group assembled 121 backpacks for distribution. The WIB is impressive not only for how much they care, but also how efficient they are. it took just 22 minutes from the moment these women walked in with bags filled with assorted school supplies, to sorting, filling and loading the backpacks up for DVRC to distribute. Those 22 minutes will make such a difference for families struggling to break free from abuse.

If you're interested in helping, it's not too late. You can drop your donations off at the Chamber of Southern Saratoga County located at  15 Park Ave., Ste. 7, Clifton Park.